Note: This blog follows on from a previous piece (Letter to my future daughter).
To my future son,
My beautiful baby boy. I hope you know how truly special you are. How loved and long-awaited you are.
Youโve not even been conceived yet! But youโre with me.
For since that night I dreamt of you, Iโve hoped and felt that youโll enter my life.
You were there, in my dreams: a beautiful curly haired little baby boy.
This dream was over a year ago, and Iโve been thinking of it even since. For this dream has changed my perceptions of motherhood forever.
As many people will know, Iโve always wanted to be a mother. But I wasnโt ready until now. Yet, that dream still took me by surprise.
That night that I dreamt of you, I was breastfeeding you with my right breast (something Iโd never dreamt of before). It was peaceful, so very peaceful.
I saw your beautiful curly hair, your soft skin and I learnt about your possible features. And, who I was too.
Surrounded by cheerful singing women in veils, it was different to any other dream Iโd had before. With good reason I believe.
From feeding you as a baby, to holding your hand on Eid, you were with me. From a baby to a little boy, there you were dressed in a white kufi and thoub.
We received an Eid gift from a group of women and you looked so beautiful.
You were beautiful. The dream was beautiful. And quite possibly life changing.
It revealed our journey together โ with no real detail about your father.
I donโt know your father’s name, face, faith, age, culture or ethnicity. I know nothing (only Allah knows).
But what I do believe is that Iโll be your mother and that I’ll still be Muslim. And your path: it’ll be yours to pave, to navigate, to merge.
After this dream, in the days and months that passed, I shared this story with men and women alike. I was met with both positive hopes and and varying interpretations.
Some welcomed the โnewsโ (idea). Others declared that this dream was merely an expression of myself, my faith and my identity, and my longing to belong (true and very real wants).
But, I believe itโs more than that. Much more.
You see, before you appeared that night, a very special lady had told me that youโd be my first.
A boy! I was surprised, yet relieved that she believed Iโd have a family of my own at last โ but when the time was right. For I had to be patient and focus on myself first.
Why was I surprised, yet relieved? Well, this was during a difficult period of my life. A time in which I needed hope.
She spoke. And there you appeared in my future slumber. My sign. My hope, my patience, my blessing.
Dreamsโฆ Iโve had many of them.
My mind is full, bursting with dreams. Some are the waves of repressed trauma; repeated calls from my brain of cries to be heard. Some are instead merely garbage from the day being processed in the grand processing centre that is our brains.
And othersโฆ have been gifts. Signs from beyond the grave, comforts, hellos and premonitions.
At least I believe so. Allah alim (Allah knows) after all. For I believe they are all with His blessing, His power and His knowledge.
Dreams. Lots of them. In fact, another particular dream I remember was of when I dreamt of Aunty S with a girl.
I told her. And the next time we met, I discovered that not only was she married but pregnant!
Alhamdulillah, after years of waiting to meet her King โ itโd happened. Just as I’d told her she would, with continued patience and after never giving up on who she was or what she believed in.
She later she gave birth to a beautiful little girl โ whom weโre waiting for you to meet, inshaโAllah.
You see, there are signs, beautiful peaceful signs everywhere. Just as Allah (SWT) tells us.
And itโs through these signs, that I came to Islam. It’s thanks to these signs that I believe my mother is at peace.
And it’s because of these signs that Iโve come to believe that Iโll become a mother, inshaโAllah. And, that my first child may very well be a boy.
This is where the surprise comes in.
Itโs significant, because having a boy wouldnโt be any less meaningful as having a girl. It shouldn’t be.
But it wasnโt always what Iโd have preferred, Iโm ashamed to say.
As a woman, the strong idealistic woman that I hope youโll find hope, comfort, strength and openness with, Iโd always hoped my first child would be a girl.
Why? Because Iโm a woman and I can relate to a girl.
I grew up in quite a gender segregated environment. Yes, I have two brothers but as youโll later find out, it’s never been that simple.
Overall, I didnโt have much (significant) interaction with boys or men at all growing up.
I was a mummyโs girl. I went to a girlโs school till I was 12. And, most of my closest friends have been women.
What’s more, and quite significantly, as a lifelong feminist, I wanted to be a role model, support and encouragement for any daughter Iโd have, in what is still very much a manโs world.
But thatโs not allโฆ
As youโll come to know, Nanny Emilia isnโt here. We silently said goodbye when I was much younger (in my early 20s).
Yes, I believe weโll all see her again, but itโs often been a very lonely journey here. And with my little girl, I wanted to share everything that I never got a chance to with her.
Weddings, shopping, new jobs. Future pregnancies, births and so much more.
Iโve missed out on so many shared moments. Milestones that Iโve had to live and will continue to have to share without her. At least in person.
Thatโs why I hoped my first would be a girl.
Of course, a happy healthy baby (whatever the gender) is all a parent should want. And I did.
But, I also wanted to dress her up, to share so much, to inspire her, teach her, empower her. I wanted it all.
So, hopefully a girl first, then a boy I thought. God willing. Insha’Allah.
But, we plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the Best of Planners.
And so, whilst only Allah knows what (and who) is in my future โ our future โ I do believe that itโs quite possible that youโll be my first. My first encounter with motherhood.
Yes, my first could very well be you: my beautiful little baby boy.
But whether youโre my first, second, third โ it doesnโt matter. What matters is cherishing the blessing of every child and the blessing that you are as my son (like just any daughter(s) I may have).
Itโs early days. And as I write this letter, Iโm 36 and the clock is ticking (a pressure that many women feel but youโll never experience!).
Youโve not been conceived and I donโt even know who your father will be! But, what I truly hope is that youโll be a part of my life.
Seeing my older and wiser female friends nurturing such beautiful relationships with their sons, Iโve been inspired.
Itโs a blessing โ for the person their child is (not their gender).
Yes, Iโve learnt that I can relate to you my beautiful boy and that we can share so much together.
As youโll sadly learn, in patriarchal societies, having a boy (especially first) is a sexist gift to match misogynistic expectations. On the other hand, having a girl is often seen as a โburdenโ and โdisappointmentโ.
As a feminist, I knew that Iโd want to empower any girl I had to be strong, unique and supported each and every step of the way. That theyโd be an equal blessing to a boy.
But if I dig deep, I did have a preference.
Yet as a feminist in the truest sense โ a real egalitarian (not a misandrist) โ hereโs what underpins this lesson: you equally must not be defined by your gender.
I donโt want to raise you just to simply โnot be sexistโ. I donโt want you to be “the antithesis to sexism” and a “working model of feminism in progress”.
No, you donโt deserve that. I donโt want you to be defined by biases, bigotry and gendered expectations. Youโre you โ not simply โnot a girlโ.
The burden of our struggle is not one you should inherit. Instead, I hope youโll join as an individual who chooses justice for all โ out of free will, passion and real conviction.
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect and to be able to follow their own path. And thatโs why I want you to live to be you.
This is vitally important my son. For as time has passed on the journey that is life, Iโve also come to realise just how much sexism affects men too.
It’s pervasive and clear in not just how men treat women and girls, but in how they treat themselves and other men and boys too. In the expectations, the hopes, the dreams and how they raise their sons โ not just their daughters.
What’s more, it’s sadly a significant part of: how (some) women raise their sons, as well as their daughters.
Misogyny perpetuates misogyny. And narcissism, trauma and depression follow.
No, it must end, everywhere. Youโre a unique beautiful individual and this is your unique path.
Your journey from baby boy to man is yours to carve for yourself. You are the master of this journey and you are free dear son to be who you want to be.
Please, embrace life and all its nuances. Its ups and downs. Its colours and its greys.
Do not be scared to cry, to talk, to love, to share your emotions. Itโs healthy โ and powerful. Itโs what makes you truly you!
Do not be shamed into hating your gender. A real โmanโ loves himself and loves women, especially when theyโre free, empowered and strong.
And do not forget this: strength my dear son, is not defined by the size of oneโs muscles, the number of our BMI or our ability to โput on a brave faceโ.
No, strength โ strength of person, strength of character, real resilience and true emotional maturity โ genuine character โ is built on honesty, openness, transparency, respect and love.
It’s built on respecting yourself and others, on admitting when we are wrong, on wanting to learn and grow from others and for standing our ground in the face of injustice โ whoever the survivors and perpetrators may be.
My dear son, I am so proud of you. And I love you.
Know who you are (donโt worry itโs a life-long journey of discovery and reflection!).
Embrace who you are โ always, honestly and openly.
Treat others the way you wish to be treated (whatever their gender) and stand up against bullying, bigotry and injustice, wherever and whenever you see it.
That is strength my son. This is what makes us human.
As your mother, I will not let you be defined by the patriarchal norms that have plagued women across the generations โ including myself.
Yes, I hope you will be a true fierce feminist. And that youโll love yourself, youโll love women, men, and each and every human being.
My promise to you is this: there will be no room for toxic masculinity in our house โ for the sake of every single person and the future I want to build with your father, yourself and any siblings you may have (boy, girl or non-binary).
Yes, you will be a โreal manโ โ by being you! Not a walking embodiment of toxic rigid gender norms.
As your mother, I promise to you that I will strive with all my love and energy to help you (if you identify as a male โ or as whoever, and however, you chose to live your life), to be a strong, confident individual.
To be kind, loyal, affectionate, communicative and not intimidated by women โ or men (and any women who perpetuate misogyny) that falsely teach that toxic masculinity is the answer to what being a โreal manโ is.
I will teach you, guide you and watch you carve your own path.
And I will not let you be burdened with expectations.
You will have my support on the good days, the bad days and the unsure days. On the confident days, on the โI need a pick-me-up” days and the duvet days.
I will be there. Without judgment, with an empathic listening ear, and with life-long advice when you need it.
For I will be your mother, your friend, your teacher, your ally. This is my promise to you.
I will support you. I will encourage you when I believe youโre right, and I will equally call you out without shame when I think you and others deserve better โ for their sake and yours.
I will listen to you, I will advise when you need me, and I will also step back when you need me to, so that you can begin to write your own story, navigate your own journey and walk your own individual path.
At the forefront, by your side, or at the sidelines, I will be there, whenever and wherever you need me.
I hope that you will grow to not see women and girls through the lens of โmother, daughter, sisterโ but instead as human beings equal to you.
And I hope that you will feel proud of who you are, that you’ll feel free to express your emotions, free to choose your own path and free to be your authentic self, dear son.
Laugh, cry, talk, hug, share โ itโs all normal, healthy, human.
You are beautiful. Embrace that beauty with humility, humanity and love for all.
I love you son. Whoever you are, wherever and whenever we shall meet.
Yours always,
Your dear mother
xxxxx
Voice of Salam 